Mom from Autism Household goes on Vacation Without Kids! Oh The Humanity!!

photo courtesy Wayne Pollard Photography

One of the hardest, but most necessary things a Mom must do is give herself permission to take a break.

That's hard for any Mom

But I've found its particularly hard for an Autism mama.

There are additional worries, of course, but that's not the issue, because A Mom will worry no matter what. It's our prerogative.

No, what really makes it hard for an Autism mama to take a break is EVERYONE else.

Shingle All The Way

Its been a frigid winter in Toronto. We had a terrible Ice Storm that left many people without power for a week or more. As I write this its -33*C outside. As my Dad used to say, ''Cold as a witch's _____'' (I'll let you fill in the blank!). We've been holed up inside for quite sometime. Not easy for anyone, but throw Autism into the mix, and well, things heat up. And not they way you'd like!

Guardian Angels, Warrior Moms

Eric and I at Cherry Beach, Toronto

Recently I dropped Eric off at a Saturday Social Skills program for adults with autism run by Kerry's Place Autism Services, an exceptional organization in Toronto. We were the first to arrive.  Eric, as usual, was having a difficult time separating from me. My granddaughter was with us, so she and Eric ran around the coach house that the program is housed in. She was having a ball, and Eric knew I couldn't leave without Sammy, so he was fairly calm while exploring. I settled in, knowing it would be a good 10 minutes before I'd be able to leave. I was chatting with program staff when in walked the next participant- whom I recognized right away. A young man probably about 10 years older than Eric. He lives on my street with his mother, who walked in immediately behind him. The young man settled fairly quickly so I was able to talk to the mom. Something I'd been wanting to do for nearly 2 decades. You see, I could never forget her.  She had had a profound impact on me, and made a huge difference for my son. The interaction had been brief, and I was sure she wouldn't recall it, or us. But I needed to thank her. So while Sammy and Eric explored the house I told her and the staff the story of that day, nearly 20 years ago.

When All Else Fails, Jump On The Bed

Photo Courtesy of Wayne Pollard

Life can be stressful.

 

As the glow of summer fades away, replaced by the dying leaves and grey skies of autumn, its easy to feel grey yourself. Hibernate. Cut off the cold and damp of the season. 

But fall isn't truly dreary. Or depressing. 

Its a beautiful, colourful world, inside AND out. 

Stay with me as I recount a tale of autumn, stress and joy,  from just last week.

We Be-Leaf

Yes, in my home, we're a bit hockey-mad. Each year we await the new season and cheer on our beloved Toronto Maple Leafs. Several years before Eric, my severely autistic son, was able to say Mommy, he could say 'Go Leafs Go'. We make a habit of wearing home jerseys for home games, and away jerseys to watch away games. We pop popcorn and huddle together to scream, cry, cheer and jeer. But it is so much more.

The Littlest Teacher

Along with my sons, I am now also raising my three year old granddaughter. I had thought I wasn't up to the task of starting over, the task of raising a small child, but I was soon shown differently. Because it isn't a task. Its not a chore. Raising a child is a journey filled with love and learning. 

The Unexpected Journey- Cory's Story

The Unexpected Journey- Cory's Story

 

When you have children with special needs you tend to seek out those going through the same challenges your own family is experiencing. Even if you're lucky enough to have a supportive extended family, you still crave the company of those who KNOW the life. Those you can vent to, and provide support to in return. Facebook has its faults, but one of the things it does well, very well, is allow communities to come together. I 'met' Cory through one of those communities. 

This is her story, in her own words

A Year to Remember

Autumn, a time of reflection

The last few years have been fraught with challenges. But with challenge comes growth. So even though the last year has been difficult, its been one to look back on and honour. 

My eldest son Chris has spent the last year in a relationship with a wonderful young woman and has embarked on his own personal journey. He is coming to terms with having Aspergers, understanding his own challenges while refusing to use the label as an excuse. Returning to school, getting his diploma, and now making plans for a post secondary education, he is on his way to becoming the man he's always wanted to be. His perseverance through his struggles is an inspiration. Chris has worked hard at becoming a good father, good partner, and at simply bettering himself. He has finally realized he is a pretty exceptional young man and is taking life head on!

Last year at this time my middle son Eric was coming home from yet another hospital stay. Eric is 20 years old, and autistic. For the last couple of years he's been in crisis. This is common in young autistic adults, but that doesn't make it easier, nor does it mean services to help them are readily available. Eric cannot guide his own care, nor advocate for himself, so I have been forging my way through this new frontier, doing the best I can to make sure my baby has what he needs. Over the last year he has made some tremendous gains ( a few pitfalls along the way, but we're still moving forward). Eric is discovering his ability to say 'No'. While this is very challenging for me (Eric is 200lbs+), it is comforting to know that as he nears the time when he will live elsewhere, cared for someone other than myself, that Eric will be able to voice his objections to things that are unpleasant to him. Every parent of a child with special needs, but in particular those who are non-verbal, fears what will happen to our children when we are not there to look after them. So this step in Eric's development is a huge relief for me. He's not quite as vulnerable anymore.

My youngest son Mark has started his second year of high school and has just encountered his first life road block. A gifted young man, academically as well as athletically, charming and well rounded, he has never had to WORK at succeeding, at anything. He is now finding for the first time in  his life he he has to study for tests, and he has to learn study and homework habits. I went through this myself in High School. Mark and I have a very close relationship. He opened up about his struggles and together we are working on changing things. Not many 16 year olds confide in their Moms, or listen to them either, so I know just how lucky I am, and I know he'll get back on track and make the life he dreams of for himself.

I have also grown. I have embarked on a new phase in my life, doing the things I have always wanted , but was afraid to attempt. Like writing. I've had to scale back my work because of Eric's high needs, but that allowed me the luxury of being able to sit in front of the keyboard. Watching other people in my life overcome their own personal hurdles to expand their differing horizons motivated me. Battling for my son reminded me I am a very strong woman, who can make it through just about anything. So I bit the bullet and started writing. I haven't been happier.

We have a lot of struggles ahead as Eric enters into the very incomplete world of adult services for people with special needs. But we'll make it through. We'll grow some more as a family and as individuals from those challenges. Life is a journey. Sometimes bumpy but always interesting. It sure has been a year to remember!

Now, onwards and upwards!

Autism is a Pain in the Aspergers

Autism is a Pain in the Aspergerstm

Chris with his Kazoo

Eric and Chris

IF you read my blog you know that my adult son Eric has severe Autism. What you may NOT know, is that my eldest son Christopher is also on the spectrum. Chris has a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome. When my boys were small, there were only two places to go for information, Geneva Centre for Autism and Autism Ontario. Help wasn't readily available back then, but the information was crucial, especially at a time when Autism was a word most people did not know. Autism Ontario and GCA helped guide me on my way to training as a therapist to help my boys

 

So when I heard about Autism is a Pain in the Aspergers , a variety show being held at Hughs Room (as you know by now, one of my fave venues) with proceeds going to Autism Ontario's Building Brighter Futures Fund , I knew I had to go, AND take Chris with me! 

But when I saw the lineup I died and went to heaven!    

Canadian Comedic Royalty, a YouTube sensation, and musicians I regularly grab tickets to see! 

Going to this event was a no-brainer, we just had to go!      

What I didn't expect was the emotion that would flood over me throughout the evening.

The Paths We Travel

 High Park and the Paths We Travel

One of the few things every human being has in common is their exposure to stress. It comes in different forms and levels for all of us, but nonetheless we all feel its effects. Physically or mentally stress left unchecked takes its toll so we each must find our own ways of handling and minimizing it. Live music, and the arts in general, work like magic for me, but are not available 24/7. And stress knows no time-line. So recently I started to re-visit an old childhood hangout of mine. High Park.

Open response to "Pissed Off Mother"

Dear Pissed Off Mother,

I'm afraid your rant was pointless. You are not the first to tell any of us that our children are loud, annoying, in need of discipline, disgusting, wastes of space that should never have been born. Nor, unfortunately, will you be the last. Mental and Developmental Health are the last bastions of acceptable discrimination. Some people, like yourself, chose to be blatant, and I'm sure you'll receive an entire planets worth of backlash. But most discriminate in ways they don't even acknowledge themselves. Every time someone says "That joke is so retarded", they are proving that it is ACCEPTABLE to discriminate against those who have the least ability to fight back. Would you substitute the N-word for the R-word? NEVER. You'd know that was unacceptable ( well for you, Pissed Off Mother at least not acceptable in public). It is without thought that you pull your child aside in daycare so they don't "catch it", whispering softly "its ok baby, its ok" to your child (who has NO clue WHAT you are worried about) while simultaneously preaching to your neighbours how Johnny plays with a boy with autism at school, Johnny is so wonderful. 

Johnny IS wonderful. 

SO are OUR children. 

YouTube Self-Discovery

I logged onto YouTube today, for the first time in Who Knows When. 

Well it turns out my 20 year old son, severely autistic, unable to care for himself, has apparently hacked in.

Repeatedly. 

For the last two years. 

It shouldn't surprise me. 

About 6 months ago everyone in my contacts list received an email saying:

" Eric good boy. Eric get presents. Eric get Mickey Mouse toy, Ford C600 model kit"

Eric is unable to bathe himself adequately , cannot speak beyond an 18 month old level or understand danger, but he sure knows his way around a computer! 

My son's skills are all over the spectrum, pun intended! 

ANYWAY, when I logged on, I noticed I had a "watch later" and "favourites" tab. I had never noticed this before, but SOMEONE (guess who) must have, because I had entries logged for the past 2 years. Remember, my severely autistic son  had "favourited" these videos, but for the last 2 years anybody looking would naturally assume I had done so. 

I decided to watch them myself, and see why "I" would single them out.

Lets Go To The Ex.....Oh Baby!

My eldest son and my nephew on the traditional first ride each year at The Ex, The Polar Express

Warrior's Day Parade

Every year, since long before I was born, the Pollard family has  gone to the Warrior's Day parade at the Canadian National Exhibition (CNE or The Ex for short). The parade has been an annual event at The Ex since the 1920's. My father was a veteran of the second world war, so it was natural to attend, something nobody thought about, we just DID. In the early years the parade snaked along city streets then through the fair, ending inside Exhibition Stadium culminating in a mass pipe band finale. Alas, the stadium is long gone, as are too many of the vets who once packed the parade, and the parade route. The number of veterans still able to march is dwindling, but the respect and love shown to them is as strong as ever. And rightfully so.

Somehow, Some Way, We Find Each Other

If you know me, or have been following this blog, you will know that my adult son Eric is autistic. He has progressed a million miles beyond the prognosis doctors gave him as a 3 year old, but he his still profoundly challenged. He will never live on his own, always need care and in recent years has developed anxiety disorders that make life very difficult at times. He is also very loving, and extremely loveable. I call him my divining rod, but rather than pointing out water, he exposes just who is, and who isn't, a truly GOOD person. Life with Eric is filled with daily miracles. He keeps innocence alive in my home. That being said- it definitely is not easy. Eric has developed severe agoraphobia and separation anxiety. In contradiction to his fear of leaving the house, he is also a 'wanderer' , he may take off at any given moment with no sense of danger, no safety awareness and limited verbal skills. Lets just say he keeps me on my toes.

Bruce Cassidy and his amazing band at Hugh's Room

You constantly need a full energy tank in my home and I've discovered that I need a regular break to keep my tank filled. My respite of choice is live music. This past Thursday a wonderful show was happening at Hugh's Room , part of The inaugural World Music Festival being staged by Jazz FM 91.1. It was South Africa night and the Bruce Cassidy Band was holding a tribute to Hugh Masekela. I couldn't wait!

Daddy's Girl

 Daddy as a young man at Fisherman's Bay

A few weeks from now will mark the 24th anniversary of my father's death. Remembering losing him is still so painfully raw that I usually chose to remember only his life not his death. But in the last few years I have come to understand his death was as much a part of his wonderful affect on me as his life and parenting.

OMG its OMD, and my discovery of musical diversity through Blondie

Handsome Man, knowing Once an 80's girl, Always an 80's girl, surprised me a while back with tix to see Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark (OMD ) at Danforth Music Hall next week. 

I am so excited! But be forewarned, its made me nostalgic!

My parents were children of the 1920s and 30s, Jazz was their Pop music. While I was growing up, Dad was always humming or whistling some Duke Ellington tune or quoting Lady Day, and Mom was always tapping her toes to something on the radio.I'm the youngest of 9 children, and my brothers and sisters are much older than I am. They came of age in the late 50s and 60s, so their music, Beatles, Stones, Cars, Yes permeated my infancy and childhood. The 80s is when I discovered music that was mine. With the foundation of my parents and siblings music I was able to be open to anything and everything musically, and discovered myself as well as my musical taste in that much-maligned decade.

The Disney Lady

I'm a single mom of adult children having forms of autism, and have custody of my 3 year old granddaughter, so not surprisingly I was assessed earlier this year as having stress levels on par with a front line soldier. It was suggested I find ways to reduce my stress (HA!). I am very lucky to have an extraordinary man in my life ( from here-on-in named 'Handsome Man' in all blog posts ). He invited me down to Sarasota Florida for a week of R&R. This sounded too good to be true, and it nearly was. My 19 year old, 200+lb son Eric is severely autistic, and he has been in and out of crisis for the last 2 years. This means Eric's anxiety levels have been so high that he would go several days without sleep, has been hospitalized twice, developed agoraphobia and separation anxiety, and when overwhelmed, could become extremely violent. Although his anxiety was being managed, I was not sure I'd be able to take advantage of the wonderful battery recharger called a 'vacation'.

Autism Moms Unite at The Iron Bridge Inn!

One of the overnight stops on the drive home from Florida with My Handsome Man was Mercer PA. A wonderful town. Our hotel was well appointed, but we thought we`d try a local restaurant for dinner. The concierge had some great recommendations and we settled on Iron Bridge Inn, located oddly enough beside a beautiful Iron Bridge spanning a quaint little river. We found a wonderful booth, completely surrounded by warm oak, almost as if we were in our own separate dining room. Its was kitcshy and romantic all at the same time. Our waitress arrived with our menus, and took our drink orders. I as usual had wine (hence days of Whine and Rosè!), while handsome man ordered the best named beer EVER!